Archive for the ‘SeeYouNextWednesday Reviews’ Category

I quite enjoyed this movie. And it wasn’t just for some of the eye candy.

Hellooooo….

Back on track now Megan, (Ha! And I didn’t even mean to do that pun!). ‘In Europe, a group of American college athletes unknowingly board a train that will become one deadly ride.’ Yep, its one of ‘those’ movies. Group of friends go out drinking, something happens and they stupidly agree to do something that really doesn’t sound right, such as getting a late train that’s just magically going to where they’re wanting to go. Oh yeah, you give over your passports and let them keep them, that makes sense. That actually does happen. And then after all this, it all goes even more tits up. They decide to get on the train, give over their passports and then they get off at the other end, safe and sound…..I KID. No, they don’t. At all.

When I said it was one of ‘those’ movies, I meant one of those friends slasher movies. The ones that people groan about where they really shouldn’t. These films are brilliant, you can turn your brain off and just enjoy some good-looking people dying in many different and original ways. When people say they hate them, I laugh and secretly think, ‘more for me’… These movies are brilliant, and Train is no exception. Yes, they won’t win awards, yes a lot of them don’t need a brain, but what’s your point?! Train is a good old-fashioned ‘let’s do stupid things’ shout at the screen slasher film. With a slight twist AND a near naked run down the train, back to photo up top.

Don’t knock it.

Thora Birch was definitely put in this film for the ‘big star’ count, she is pretty much the only actor I’d heard of, but luckily, I’m not a fan of who’s in what when it comes to horrors. I’ll watch anything. It was a change from what I’d seen her in though, I’m still stuck on her character in America Beauty.. No one’s really really bad in this, as I said, it’s the general slasher movie, it wouldn’t win any awards and will probably not be known by people unless you’ve seen it but it’s good. I enjoyed it. Train is similar to the likes of Hostel, but I love Hostel so I had no complaints what so ever. Apart from some characters are dumb, but if they weren’t, there would be no killing.. Hey, you gotta break a few eggs..

Hello Derek…I don’t care if you’ve been in a gay film, you’re still hot.

The gore is there, the drinking friends, the fun, the scary stereotypical bad guys and even a little twist of why there are on the train. What more could you want?! I enjoyed this film so much, even though I own it, I’m going to record  it when it’s on the horror channel on Sunday… Yeah.

What’s not to love?

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So I saw this, in a hotel room in Boston for my birthday. It wasn’t good but it does make me happy being where I was and what I was doing. So I will try not to be biased. Okay, Mama. ‘Annabel and Lucas are faced with the challenge of raising his young nieces that were left alone in the forest for 5 years…. but how alone were they?’.

Mamá

Mama.

I would say Mama started out pretty good, it’s the normal movie.  It has the creepy feel to it, it starts out kind of weird and straight into the story with the dad taking the two daughters away, which you never actually find out what exactly happened. In a way. Basically, you see him taking the girls and leaving them, and then it skips to recent times, but doesn’t really mention what happened. It just kind of goes ahead to when the dad’s twin brother (really, it’s the same guy playing both), picking them up. Its mentioned that the dad killed the mum but not in-depth, just casually as two characters are talking. This isn’t a big deal or anything obviously, I just thought it was weird. And the other thing I thought about was what a cop-out it was to have the same actor playing the brothers. They’re twins so lets use the same actor. Don’t get me wrong, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau did a good job, but really, they’re twins so lets use the same actor. Again, nothing really to do with the movie, just what I thought was weird about the film.

Moving back on to the proper film, the film as a whole is alright, (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is pretty much out cold for like 90% of it so it was an easy job for him, if you’re a fan or a GOT fan, don’t watch it just for him. As I said, out cold.). Mama has the normal feel of a horror movie, and so it should, it’s about a ghostly spirit who’s obsessed with two children, the children are slightly feral too after all their years spent in that lovely little cabin on their own. So if done well it should be quite good, its got a good set up for a standard horror movie. And it isn’t horrendous, it’s not a stand out film but it’ll pass an evening.  I say all that but if you don’t like CGI, don’t watch this. ‘Mama’ (the ghost I mean) is CGI. And you can tell. It’s not bad CGI, it’s just obviously CGI. She is scary though, like in the film, she’s really quick, but if you get a screen shot of it, well, I don’t like it…

I mean look at that!

Yeah, so overall, its not that bad a film. It’s not going to win any awards or anything but yeah, if you’ve got a spare hour and a half, go for it. The ending was terrible though. genuinely, I could have said a lot better about it had it had a good ending. I won’t mention it because it is a spoiler but its bad. In a way, its good because in some ways it doesn’t go down the normal ‘Hollywood’ happy ending, but it’s still just bad. (Like how many ‘In a way’s I had? Yeah, confusing right? You have no idea how it ends now, do you?). I also hate little kids in horror movies. Hate. And these kids just sit there, one is silent with a face like a smacked arse, and just pout and scream. The poor girlfriend, she didn’t want the kids but noooo, he wanted to save the brats…

Anyway…free evening? Go for it.

Before I start, I’m not sure if this fully counts as a horror, but I found it while looking for horror movies and it’s got some horror sides to it, so I’ll go for it. ‘After India’s father dies, her Uncle Charlie, who she never knew existed, comes to live with her and her unstable mother. She comes to suspect this mysterious, charming man has ulterior motives and becomes increasingly infatuated with him.’ Two interesting pointers, written by Wentworth Miller and was the last film of Tony Scott. Saying that, I still didn’t really like the film..

016

It started off very very arty, but I kept with it, it sounded like an interesting movie, a family member you never even knew was there suddenly arrives and the family is changed. I also thought it had a brilliant tagline, ‘Do not disturb the family’, it had a lot of potential and for some, it probably fulfilled, for me, it didn’t. If I’m honest, I can’t really put into words why I didn’t like it, it had its moments but I didn’t really enjoy it. It might have been that it had a really large arty feel to it, like not a lot of dialogue, inanimate objects were shown on camera for a long amount of time, I’m not sure, because I really was quite excited to watch this. The whole story of it really intrigued me but I didn’t like it. Maybe I wanted more, I’m not sure. I didn’t hate it but it wasn’t like ‘it was alright’, like it had moments but that was about it. I’m just mellow about it, finding it really hard to explain how I felt about it. Basically, I just didn’t really enjoy it.

The good things about it? The uncle. He was very cute and charming…through most of it anyway.

I guess this film was just quite slow, and built up to nothing. I had high hopes for this film, that just did not happen. Everything I’d read about it said how creepy and weird and disturbing it was but it definitely wasn’t any of that. Maybe that was my fault for reading about it, but even just the cover kind of made me think it might be quite a good film.

I think the problem with it was, it was very artsy, and built expectations up that it just never answered throughout the entire film. Some parts were creepy, like the killings and hiding the body and all that and I liked Charlie, but that was about it. Without all that, it was just a slow slow movie. Sorryyyyy.

Wentworth Miller

Sorry Wentworth, I like you but not this…

I did it! I watched A Serbian Film, or Srpski film, one of theeee most disturbing, wrong movies ever made….and I’m fine. ‘An aging porn star agrees to participate in an “art film” in order to make a clean break from the business, only to discover that he has been drafted into making a pedophilia and necrophilia themed snuff film.’

 

A Serbian Film

Just repeat ‘That is not David Spade’…

 

I finally got round to watching it, I’ve had the DVD for a while but just had never watched it, whether that was because I just hadn’t got round to watching it or I hadn’t found the balls to watch it, I don’t know. I had generally heard that it was really really reallyyyyyy wrong and just the most disturbing thing that some had ever seen, flying straight in front of films such as Cannibal Holocaust.  I have never seen Cannibal Holocaust, but like this, I had/have heard that it is a pretty disturbing film. I’m not going to say I was disappointing because that is just wrong, but it wasn’t as disturbing as I’d set out for it to be. Its wrong, don’t get me wrong, it’s very wrong, but I wouldn’t say I found it disturbing or that I was disturbed after watching it. I fill kind of weird saying that, I’m not weird, don’t worry…

 

Anyway, as I said, this film is wrong, I wouldn’t say disturbing because I was fine afterwards, but it is very wrong. I mean, looking at the film is about, that’s not surprising at all. Its weird from the start, it opens to you watching the main character in one of his porn movies, which then is shown to be being watched by his own son…awkward. He’s not doing too well, so when some (shady) people say to him about doing a new porn movie that’ll be huge, after some thought, he goes for it. Obviously, it doesn’t go as he plans, in the way of underage blow jobs, necrophilia and the famous ‘baby rape’ scene. Am I selling this film to you? So, from all that, you can see just how charming this film is. Its wrong. Wrong and weird. Oh, and don’t forget the penis, eye socket scene!

 

Portada A Serbian Film

THAT IS NOT DAVID SPADE!!

 

A Serbian Film is a film that I found wrong but anyone would, what it covers throughout the film is just wrong, it’s a dark movie and just seems like the makers thought ‘whats wrong’ ‘ummm, torturing a baby’ ‘okay, let’s have it, raping a baby’, kind of thing. I think in a way, it was good, because I think disturbing the audience is good in a way, make them feel something as Alfred Hitchcock use to do and say, but it does take some mind to think and put in someone raping a baby… Raping a baby is just incredibly wrong and it definitely makes you feel something, but it’s definitely not nice. Like the entire film, it’s not nice. I’m not sure I fully got it, people say it’s art and I didn’t see that, people say it represents how hard and disturbing where it’s set is and I can see that, if that’s the case then I think it makes some of it better, as making it this hard and disturbing was probably one of the only ways to get it across. I’m not 100% on that though, so don’t hold it against me.

 

This is a film that is not for the faint hearted, at all, and no one under 18, it’s not your average porno. Things are in this film that cannot be unseen, I wasn’t disturbed by it or found it disturbing but I didn’t really have a good time watching some of it. Worst thing was that the main character looks a lot like David Spade, you know, Kuzco? Makes it so much worst…

 

The main characters in The Emperor's New Groov...

So much worst….

 

I make myself laugh that I am writing this. HA! Here it goes. SNARKNADO. ‘When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature’s deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace.’ I beg people, do not stop reading my blog, pleaaaaaase, just because I am writing this review. It was between this and A Serbian Film, but it is nice and sunny out and I wanted something a bit more….upbeat…? Ha! This and The Human Centipede in one day, brilliant!

 

Shark! Shark!

There are no images on here of Sharknado! NOOO!

 

I’m just making myself laugh with this review, first, I am reviewing it and now I can’t find any photos of it. Brilliant! Okay, back to the review, I’ll admit, I’m not sure if this counts as a horror, but it has a tornado made out of sharks and people die, for the moment, that’s good enough for me. As I said above it was either this or a film about a pornstar…you choose. Okay, little secret, I love these type of bad TV made little SyFy movies, there’s just so bad you can’t help but watch and laugh. And that’s what I did for the entire thing, I sat and laughed, whether it was at the bad acting or bad CGI…if you could call it all that. I had a whale of a time. (No fish related pun intended…much). It’s not on my favourite film list but I enjoyed it.

 

I wasn’t expecting a lot, I’ve seen these types of movies before, I love these types of movie so I knew exactly what I was in for, bad acting, old actors who should be doing better, (John Heard, have you remembered Kevin this time?), old celebs who can’t really do any better, (sorry Tara Reid, but I’m looking at you..), unknowns and just a whole load of theeee worst CGI and special effects you will ever see in your entire life. And that is what is amazing about them. I’m not sure what it’s called, but they definitely all come under a certain category…’bad movies with bad acting, old actors who should be doing better, unknowns or old celebs who can’t do any better and the worst CGI and special effects’ maybe.

 

English: The American actress Tara Reid. Franç...

I’m sure you’re a lovely person but….yeah…

So, I’m going to end this there before I loose everyone who visits this, I loved Sharknado, I love all the bad movies like this, like Yeti and Sand Sharks and all them. They’re not even close to being good but they’re just so enjoyable. Life would be a sad place without these. 🙂

 

Yep, I watched it and yep, I’m going to review it. ‘A mad scientist kidnaps and mutilates a trio of tourists in order to reassemble them into a new “pet”– a human centipede, created by stitching their mouths to each others’ rectums.’ I’m also going to add I watched this with my mother – yeah, I have balls.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Whyyyyy?!

What to say about The Human Centipede? And where to start… I watched this in two sittings basically, the first was like 1am and I missed most of it so watched the end and then watched the beginning up to where I got to last time. I wasn’t really worried about watching this being that I don’t really find things disturbing (I saw a Serbian Film and was fine), and I had heard that this was disturbing, (I had heard that A Serbian Film was the worst thing a lot of people have ever seen and it just messed them up. Me? Nothing), but I didn’t find it that bad, just really really weird. I just don’t get the point of it really, I love my horrors and I love my gore and I love things that make you suffer in films, like Hitchcock said, make the audience suffer, but I just didn’t get this. For one, I didn’t really like any of the characters, if you break down in the middle of nowhere, stay there, don’t go and walk through a dark scary forest and go looking for a house. And if you do find a house in the middle of nowhere, it’s in the middle of nowhere for a reason….a ‘YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET YOUR FACE STAPLED TO SOMEONE’S ARSE’ reason. So yeah, I wasn’t a fan of any of the characters, apart from the poor man who didn’t fit the bill….poor too fat man, the Doctor’s quote, not mine!

So yeah.

English: A still image from The Human Centiped...

What did I watch?!

I’m also going to add, for the sheer hell of it, I watched this straight after watching Sharknado…and I enjoyed Sharknado more, that’s saying something. I think, its like A Serbian Film, I just didn’t get it, I wasn’t disturbed by it, I was able to sleep on my own afterwards, I just didn’t get it. I’ll give it something, I did say ew, when the guy at the front needs a number two, that was just nasty! It’s also just the thought of it. It’s just naaaaaasty. Now this may sound really wrong but when he makes them into the centipede, it really wasn’t that gory, I was disappointed with how little you saw, I was just expecting more from that scene. I am sane. Really. I am nice…

I just, sat through it I guess, I wouldn’t watch it again in a rush, I wouldn’t jump to see the next one, I just watched it. I didn’t get why he made them into a centipede, most other films, you can go ‘okay, it was wrong but you did it because of this, still makes it wrong but there’s thought behind it’. This had none. And the other thing I’ve literally just thought, had the doctor made one before, or was he literally just sitting there waiting for some ‘not the brightest lightbulbs in the pack’ people to just wander into this garden? In the middle nowhere. Was he like 20 when he started waiting for them?!

10.1.10HumanCentipedeByLuigiNovi

Yeah, now you’re smiling.

It was just a weird film. I give it to the person who thought it up, it’s an original idea, yes, but HOW DID YOU THINK IT UP?! I wouldn’t say I hated it, it didn’t disturb me or anything, I’m just mellow with it. I wouldn’t say ‘go see this!’ but I wouldn’t say ‘dont see this what ever you do!’…unless you’re under 18. DO NOT see this if you’re under 18, then it might scar you, and I hate kids who think they’re cool for seeing an older film. Jeeeeeez. Anyway, yeah, I’m just mellow, original idea but that’s about it. Think the second and third one just take advantage of the hype and go waaaay over the top by the sound of it…

The title pretty much says it all. ‘Boris Arkadin is a horror film maker. His pregnant wife was brutally murdered by a Manson-like gang of hippy psychopaths during the 1960s. He becomes a virtual recluse – until years later he directs his own snuff inspired movies. He invites actors to take part in an audition at his country manor house – blurring the lines of what is real and what is fiction.’

Snuff-Movie (film)

Snuff Movie is….interesting….to say the least and to say it in the least way it sounds bad that I am talking about a movie called Snuff Movie. I also don’t think that the above poster is for the Snuff Movie I’m talking about as it doesn’t look anything like mine, but I’m not doing anymore image searches…!  So basically, it starts out showing footage off an old camera, where you start seeing people being murdered, very similar to the Manson murders back in the 60s, where Charles Manson’s cult followers, the ‘Manson Family’ went to Director Roman Polanski’s house and murdered everyone there including pregnant Sharon Tate. I did quite enjoy the fact though that my best mate, who was watching this with me and who bought it for me, did not know anything about the murders so I had to fill her in. Yes! Useless knowledge will be used! She then went onto Googling it all and turns out I knew a  lot…whether that’s good, I’m not sure…

Okay, back to the movie and off my knowledge of murders, me and my best mate buy each other horror movies for Birthdays, Christmas and such because we do ‘Horror days’, horror days consist of just watching horror movies and eating, basically, This is a tradition. For the last one, where she gave me Snuff Movie alongside Feardotcom, (see my other review), we decided we are going to start just buying each other theeee worst horror movies we could find. Luckily, this fit right into this bill. Snuff Movie is not the best movie, but then from a name like Snuff Movie, I wasn’t expecting all that much. And I didn’t really get that much, it was just a weird film.

Snuff (film)

Still not sure if this is this film…

The concept of it is good, where a director gets a whole load of actors to do a film, but actually its a real film. It is a clever concept but it was just a weird film – the main woman wasn’t that likable, she was just….. naive I’ll say. Getting fully naked in an audition, I’d hope most people would have more respect from themselves than to do something that would make them that uncomfortable but she obviously didn’t. These are people who are desperate to be on film and will do literally anything and just lose their brains over it, all common sense just leaves them. Even the Police aren’t fully with it, they get a call from the woman’s husband who’s watching it all online and has seen someone murdered. The Police go and investigate where they are greeted by so much blood and the director, he tells them its all fake, (it’s not) and they just go ‘hahahaha, oh okay’ and leave. No, ‘oh okay, but we’ve had a complaint to we better just check it out’, or ‘there is a lot of blood and a decapitated head, how did you do all of this?’, or anything, they just leave.

I didn’t hate the movie, it just wasn’t that good, it could have been a lot better. The two films inside a film didn’t really work either I feel, as one was better than the other and they definitely could have made more of the better one. The two films were also weird, one was the home filmed Manson one and the other was the fake film one. The fake film one could have been so good but it wasn’t. And the Manson one I just didn’t like, for one, it was basically a recreation of The Manson Murders and so didn’t really need any work and two, I hated the way it was shot. The second one had so many good ideas, like the husband only being able to the murders and that and the actual website and just the whole ‘they think its fake, it’s not thing’.

Overall, good concept of one of the mini films, the other was literally just a copy that anyone could have made. I won’t be seeing this again in a hurry, sadly, as I did like the idea of one of them. I’m off to read up on old murders now.

 

Even though I didn’t like it, the other mini movie was good with the nod to old horror. (Boris..)