Yep, I watched it and yep, I’m going to review it. ‘A mad scientist kidnaps and mutilates a trio of tourists in order to reassemble them into a new “pet”– a human centipede, created by stitching their mouths to each others’ rectums.’ I’m also going to add I watched this with my mother – yeah, I have balls.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Whyyyyy?!

What to say about The Human Centipede? And where to start… I watched this in two sittings basically, the first was like 1am and I missed most of it so watched the end and then watched the beginning up to where I got to last time. I wasn’t really worried about watching this being that I don’t really find things disturbing (I saw a Serbian Film and was fine), and I had heard that this was disturbing, (I had heard that A Serbian Film was the worst thing a lot of people have ever seen and it just messed them up. Me? Nothing), but I didn’t find it that bad, just really really weird. I just don’t get the point of it really, I love my horrors and I love my gore and I love things that make you suffer in films, like Hitchcock said, make the audience suffer, but I just didn’t get this. For one, I didn’t really like any of the characters, if you break down in the middle of nowhere, stay there, don’t go and walk through a dark scary forest and go looking for a house. And if you do find a house in the middle of nowhere, it’s in the middle of nowhere for a reason….a ‘YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET YOUR FACE STAPLED TO SOMEONE’S ARSE’ reason. So yeah, I wasn’t a fan of any of the characters, apart from the poor man who didn’t fit the bill….poor too fat man, the Doctor’s quote, not mine!

So yeah.

English: A still image from The Human Centiped...

What did I watch?!

I’m also going to add, for the sheer hell of it, I watched this straight after watching Sharknado…and I enjoyed Sharknado more, that’s saying something. I think, its like A Serbian Film, I just didn’t get it, I wasn’t disturbed by it, I was able to sleep on my own afterwards, I just didn’t get it. I’ll give it something, I did say ew, when the guy at the front needs a number two, that was just nasty! It’s also just the thought of it. It’s just naaaaaasty. Now this may sound really wrong but when he makes them into the centipede, it really wasn’t that gory, I was disappointed with how little you saw, I was just expecting more from that scene. I am sane. Really. I am nice…

I just, sat through it I guess, I wouldn’t watch it again in a rush, I wouldn’t jump to see the next one, I just watched it. I didn’t get why he made them into a centipede, most other films, you can go ‘okay, it was wrong but you did it because of this, still makes it wrong but there’s thought behind it’. This had none. And the other thing I’ve literally just thought, had the doctor made one before, or was he literally just sitting there waiting for some ‘not the brightest lightbulbs in the pack’ people to just wander into this garden? In the middle nowhere. Was he like 20 when he started waiting for them?!

10.1.10HumanCentipedeByLuigiNovi

Yeah, now you’re smiling.

It was just a weird film. I give it to the person who thought it up, it’s an original idea, yes, but HOW DID YOU THINK IT UP?! I wouldn’t say I hated it, it didn’t disturb me or anything, I’m just mellow with it. I wouldn’t say ‘go see this!’ but I wouldn’t say ‘dont see this what ever you do!’…unless you’re under 18. DO NOT see this if you’re under 18, then it might scar you, and I hate kids who think they’re cool for seeing an older film. Jeeeeeez. Anyway, yeah, I’m just mellow, original idea but that’s about it. Think the second and third one just take advantage of the hype and go waaaay over the top by the sound of it…

The title pretty much says it all. ‘Boris Arkadin is a horror film maker. His pregnant wife was brutally murdered by a Manson-like gang of hippy psychopaths during the 1960s. He becomes a virtual recluse – until years later he directs his own snuff inspired movies. He invites actors to take part in an audition at his country manor house – blurring the lines of what is real and what is fiction.’

Snuff-Movie (film)

Snuff Movie is….interesting….to say the least and to say it in the least way it sounds bad that I am talking about a movie called Snuff Movie. I also don’t think that the above poster is for the Snuff Movie I’m talking about as it doesn’t look anything like mine, but I’m not doing anymore image searches…!  So basically, it starts out showing footage off an old camera, where you start seeing people being murdered, very similar to the Manson murders back in the 60s, where Charles Manson’s cult followers, the ‘Manson Family’ went to Director Roman Polanski’s house and murdered everyone there including pregnant Sharon Tate. I did quite enjoy the fact though that my best mate, who was watching this with me and who bought it for me, did not know anything about the murders so I had to fill her in. Yes! Useless knowledge will be used! She then went onto Googling it all and turns out I knew a  lot…whether that’s good, I’m not sure…

Okay, back to the movie and off my knowledge of murders, me and my best mate buy each other horror movies for Birthdays, Christmas and such because we do ‘Horror days’, horror days consist of just watching horror movies and eating, basically, This is a tradition. For the last one, where she gave me Snuff Movie alongside Feardotcom, (see my other review), we decided we are going to start just buying each other theeee worst horror movies we could find. Luckily, this fit right into this bill. Snuff Movie is not the best movie, but then from a name like Snuff Movie, I wasn’t expecting all that much. And I didn’t really get that much, it was just a weird film.

Snuff (film)

Still not sure if this is this film…

The concept of it is good, where a director gets a whole load of actors to do a film, but actually its a real film. It is a clever concept but it was just a weird film – the main woman wasn’t that likable, she was just….. naive I’ll say. Getting fully naked in an audition, I’d hope most people would have more respect from themselves than to do something that would make them that uncomfortable but she obviously didn’t. These are people who are desperate to be on film and will do literally anything and just lose their brains over it, all common sense just leaves them. Even the Police aren’t fully with it, they get a call from the woman’s husband who’s watching it all online and has seen someone murdered. The Police go and investigate where they are greeted by so much blood and the director, he tells them its all fake, (it’s not) and they just go ‘hahahaha, oh okay’ and leave. No, ‘oh okay, but we’ve had a complaint to we better just check it out’, or ‘there is a lot of blood and a decapitated head, how did you do all of this?’, or anything, they just leave.

I didn’t hate the movie, it just wasn’t that good, it could have been a lot better. The two films inside a film didn’t really work either I feel, as one was better than the other and they definitely could have made more of the better one. The two films were also weird, one was the home filmed Manson one and the other was the fake film one. The fake film one could have been so good but it wasn’t. And the Manson one I just didn’t like, for one, it was basically a recreation of The Manson Murders and so didn’t really need any work and two, I hated the way it was shot. The second one had so many good ideas, like the husband only being able to the murders and that and the actual website and just the whole ‘they think its fake, it’s not thing’.

Overall, good concept of one of the mini films, the other was literally just a copy that anyone could have made. I won’t be seeing this again in a hurry, sadly, as I did like the idea of one of them. I’m off to read up on old murders now.

 

Even though I didn’t like it, the other mini movie was good with the nod to old horror. (Boris..)

 

The Cabin In The Woods is definitely different. But for me that was a good different. ‘Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods.’ I’m not fully sure what exactly to say about it as I don’t want to give any spoilers away. And there are a lot.

So this is a film, that doesn’t really hide anything from you, well it does, but it gives some of the biggest clues away from the start. Like when the gang are first driving to the Cabin, they drive through a tunnel on the side of a cliff, and the camera pans to a bird flying past the tunnel. Until it hits what looks like Violet Parr’s safety shield from The Incredibles, the daughter. Y’know the one I mean, a force field, the bird literally flies into something that looks like that and that obviously does the same job. As soon as that bird flies into that mysterious force field, you know this is going to be something different, for the film makers to show you something like that so early on, is brilliant ballsy. They had to have something bigger up their sleeves to keep it going and luckily for them, they did.

English: Log Cabin This log cabin is situated ...

This one looks slightly less sinister…

The film starts off, minus the whole bird-force field thing, as a normal horror movie, a group of friends excited and off on a little holiday getaway. The norm. You also have the normal types of people, obviously I’m stereotyping as most horror movies do. (I’m not saying that in a bad way, I love that I know all the rules and who’s going to die first!), you have the slutty couple who normally consist of the slut and the jock. The nerd friend, the nice one and then the virgin. This is all the normal horror slasher movie and seems like its leading to be just another horror slasher movie – if I didn’t know about the film, that is what I would have thought, I would have enjoyed it, but it would have just been like another horror film.

 

As much as I would like to talk about this film because it is generally a very clever, enjoyable film, I don’t want to spoiler it for anyone and if I’m honest…I don’t know what is a spoiler and what isn’t. There are just so many clever twists and just clever ideas running through it. In some ways, its like Scream, but a weirder one, as in, it laughs at horror movies. It takes all the normal aspects and ‘rules’ out of them and uses them but also twists them on their heads, like the whole ‘the virgin survives’ rule. It takes that and laughs right in its face.

If I was to say anything about it, I would say see it, it is an original movie, a very original movie. See it especially, if you are a horror fan like me. I sat there going ‘this is so clever!’ while my parents, who aren’t as big horror fans as me but still enjoy the odd ones, sat there going ‘this is clever, but weird’. So see it, especially if you’re a horror fan. GO!  Everyone always complains there are no original horror movies, well, here you are!

Paranormal Activity

I could sleep after this….

Finally, I have seen Paranormal Activity! And I definitely feel it was overrated. Sorryyyyy. ‘After moving into a suburban home, a couple becomes increasingly disturbed by a nightly demonic presence.’ I had put off watching this since it came out because I don’t do well with jumps and this film was pretty much just jump after jump. I hate being made to jump and the suspense up to that jump just kills me. I had heard that is basically what this film was, no gore, just suspense and jumps, which, don’t get me wrong, isn’t a bad thing but I’d just heard this was very very jumpy and scary. I don’t mind if a film has jumps instead of gore, I love my gore but I don’t just go for that, but I had just heard this was scary in that way.

I was disappointed with this. Very disappointed. I was promised ‘One of the scariest movies of all time’, I did not get anywhere near that. Who Framed Roger Rabbit scared me more than this – not all of it, just the scene after Christopher Lloyd is pancaked and turns into a toon…anyway, off subject slightly. I was not scared once during this, the normal slight jumps but I wouldn’t really say they count as being scared as they were just noises. That’s like when the toast pops up.

I felt this movie missed out on a whole load of moments to get in good scares, and it just didn’t, I was watching thinking ‘somethings going to happen’ and it just didn’t. But it wasn’t like the good moment in Cat People, where you think she’s being followed down the dark street, and then it’s just the bus she wanted, this was a full-out anti-climax. So many missed moments, in some ways, what they were trying to do was clever, not scaring you so you ease off being nervous and then BAM, something happens and you’re terrified. Like in the original The Thing, when they’re testing who has it and everyone’s tied to the chairs – that terrified me and worked – this did not as there were just so many of these moments. You just got used to them and got bored.

Paranormal Activity - 00044

Cute couple but nope.

I watched this with my parents and somehow, we didn’t hate it fully. Why? The ending. The ending was clever and somehow saved us having full hatred for it. I had heard and (keenly) Googled and watched (Yeah, said I was keen), all three or four alternative endings. They were all pretty good and I definitely could not choose a favourite but I definitely think the one they chose in the end worked really well and was so clever. I won’t mention what it is but it is good and kind of comes out of nowhere. All the time I was watching it, nothing had really startled me or made me on the edge of my seat but that ending did. It just changed the tone of the entire thing and made me watch it fully. If the entire film had had this type of thing throughout it and not just at the end, it would have been really good. They could have easily gone between something like the ending happening and then back to nothing really happening.

So, overall, I didn’t like the film, moments were missed, so much so, it got boring and I kind of lost interest. The characters also started to get on my nerves, at first, I loved them as a couple, they were like the perfect couple, they were so cute, but then, especially Micha, got annoying. He just kept wanting to bring the demon and annoy the demon just so he could film something cool. Stupid man.  I might watch the others as I have heard, some are different to this one and might elevate what I saw in this one, but I will not be recommending this. Well, not the entire thing, maybe just the ending….

YAY.

Posted: August 8, 2013 in Uncategorized

Yay. Two new reviews after…..like seven months! Wow, I’m sorry, I did not realise that it has been that long!

I will be back more. Definitely. This makes me so happy. I’ll be back.

Ah, Feardotcom. ‘Four bodies are found in New York City. Why, why, why? The coincidence? They all died 48 hours after logging on to a site named feardotcom.com. Tough detective Mike Reilly collaborates with Department of Health associate Terry Huston to research these mysterious deaths. The only way to find out though what really happened is to enter the site itself.’ My best friend bought me this for my birthday and luckily, we tend to try to buy each other bad horror movies….

Feardotcom is not a master piece in pretty much anyway. This film is very much like Untraceable, about people dying around a website, and I have to admit, Untraceable is better. Feardotcom has good death scenes and does well with the gore but it was to clique in parts, every single place any of the characters went looked like one of the death rooms in Se7en. It seemed like no one in this film knew how to properly use or turn on a light.

FeardotCom

FeardotCom

The concept of the film is a promising one, a website that kills people after they use it but it just doesn’t live up to it at all.  SPOILER. The whole ghost thing as well just makes it pretty ridiculous too, it just loses it. SPOILER END. You don’t really warm to the characters, so much so, that I spent pretty much most of the film thinking that Terry was the man…He’s not.

It had its moments, and the deaths, as I said, were pretty good, but it just seemed like too much of a cheaper version of Untraceable for it to be that good. And I liked Untraceable. Maybe if I hadn’t of seen it, I would have enjoyed Feardotcom more as I couldn’t compare them, but that’s just what I thought. This was Untraceable, but with a ridiculous reason for the whole website killing everyone. It’s also not that clear with everything and missed so many moments.

I realise that this is pretty much a rant, but yeah, I don’t really have much more to say, Feardotcom is not a memorable film. It’s not the worst thing I have ever seen but it’s definitely not near the best either. If you want a film about people dying after visiting a website or anything around that, I’d say if you want a good film Untraceable, if you want a laugh and to criticise, this.

Repo! The Genetic Opera (soundtrack)

Doesn’t it look fun?!

Wow. Is all I can say. Wow. ‘A worldwide epidemic encourages a biotech company to launch an organ-financing program similar in nature to a standard car loan. The repossession clause is a killer, however.’ I cannot tell you how excited me and my horror movie best friend were about watching it. As soon as I saw the trailer at the beginning of another movie, I knew I had to see it. And I am so glad I did.

It starts off amazingly and sends you into this comic book world where it tells you the story using bright colours, comic book drawings and music Meat Loaf would be proud of. After this exciting opening, (me and my friend has the biggest grins on our faces, we were loving it!), the film starts like a normal film again, instead of all the comic book illustrations, which is all incredibly enjoyable. The film as a whole is….just strange, you sit there and wonder, what exactly am I watching and what the hell is going on, yet, you’re loving every single second of it.

Now, I do have to warn you, this is very over the top, not just like ‘you sit in a full bath and the water splashes out’ over the top. This is full on ‘bomb into a pool and the pool empties’ over the top. Repo! used to be a stage musical so it takes all that musical theatre over the top-ness, puts it into a film but keeps all the Jazz hands and adds at least two more Jazz hands. Make sense? It’s just over the top to the point where it’s really bad, like the acting is horrifically over the top a few times but it works and it fits where it would not fit in any other movie. It’s like a musical in your TV basically, they didn’t try to turn it into a proper film, this is literally a musical with moving scenery. I’m not a big musical fan, like the whole thing of people just breaking into song over literally anything makes my brain crack, but I loved this. It might have been the horror aspect of it and the fact that Anthony Stewart Head is amazing! He was my favourite character along with the Grave Robber, both keep the whole thing basically together and make it good. Without them, it would just be weird. Sorryyyy.

English actor Anthony Stewart Head. Taken at t...

Where’s Buffy?!

So, so far I’ve mentioned the movie as a whole, but I have not yet mentioned the songs. The songs are….insane! They go from “Things You See In a Graveyard” to a song that was cut from the orignal movie, the charming “Can’t Get It Up If the Girl’s Breathing?”. These songs should win awards. I’m not even joking. They’re just so weird but so so charming in a way you find yourself watching the special sing-along versions on the DVD afterwards. One of the first songs starts off with the lyrics “I’m infected by your genetics”. If that doesn’t make you laugh/amazed/sing a long I don’t know what will. But that wasn’t even my favourite song, mine was definitely ‘Zydrate Anatomy’ which is basically a song sung mainly by the Grave Robber about the actual drug that numbs the pain of operations and so gets people even more hooked on operations and new organs. Brilliant.

 

I would definitely recommend this, but do not under any way, take this seriously. If you do, you will hate it. This is such an underrated film, it’s just so entertaining and original. And yes, Paris Hilton is in it, but she’s not that bad actually. She won’t ruin it for you, if that’s what you’re asking. Just see it, the familiar faces, the songs, the campness, you need this in your life.

                                                           Before you know it, you’ll be singing ‘LITTLE GLASS VIALL’……