Worst kids in Horror Movies. Ever.

So, I hate kids in horror movies. I’m not a fan of kids normally, but that’s only because I’m only young and all that.. But kids in horror movies do my nut, they either hold the characters back and put them in a lot of danger, or just want to hold on them and scream and cry. I can’t stand them. I really am not this grumpy, I just don’t like little kids in horrors. So, for my hatred, I have decided to write this ‘Worst Kids in Horror Movies. Ever’. Dramatic, huh? Here we go.

10.

So at number ten is Danny Torrance from The Shining. That classic that is The Shining. A film that is such a classic, that no person will really admit there’s much wrong with it. I will, Danny. Danny is what is wrong with the film.

A classic….even if the kid is as annoying as waiting for a parcel…

Danny is, obviously, Jack and Wendy’s son, and in the films defence, Wendy is pretty annoying too so maybe it runs in the genes… If I’m being honest, Jack and Dick are pretty much the only two people in this who don’t annoy me. Oh! And the bartender. But now I’ve gone right off course. Back to Danny and why he annoys me. He doesn’t really add much to the film, I know he’s a kid, but all he does is ride that damn tricycle up and down the halls, scream and shout Red rum all the bloody time. Yeah, it adds to the film in a way, the tricycle adds to the tension and so does Red rum in a way, but he’s annoying. He shouts Red rum, over and  over again, instead of doing what a normal creepy person would do which would be to, say, whisper it…

Just faces like this, allllll the time.

I do actually like this film, don’t get me wrong, I do like this film, I know I sound like it annoys me and the characters annoy me, but I do actually like it, it is a classic. But it’s just the kid, who actually likes him? Honestly? Just look, those type of faces the entire way through the film, added on some “RED RUUUUMS” and that Tony is talking to him and probably tell him to do bad things. He’s my number ten because, although he does annoy me, I enjoy the film and he is not what I think of when I think of the film. I don’t immediately think, ‘Oh, The Shining…THAT DAMN KID.’ Now, go talk to Tony someplace I can’t hear you…

Should have ignored the shining…Scatman Crothers…

9.

Number nine is a kid from a pretty bad film. That kid is Aidan and the film is The Ring, but the new one. I say pretty bad because it’s a good film to watch when you have free time orrrrr just want to turn your brain off, and if you’re easily scared and want to be scared. Otherwise, its pretty bad. I’m also trying to remember whether the terrible CGI’d scene with Aidan and Rachel in the car getting attacked by deers is in this film or the second…anyhooo which everyone it is, there both still as bad as each other. The first being slightly better… Back to my countdown.

Aidan. Aidan is annoying. He just does that thing that annoys me about horror kids where they just pout and stare into space and say nothing. He does that. He also does not listen, he doesn’t listen and gets himself into trouble meaning that Rachel has then got to save him and put herself in more danger. I mean, jeeeeez, the kid watches the tape for God sake! Who does that?! He was warned and he still watched it, meaning Rachel can’t just pass the tape on or burn it, she now has to fix this pouty brat’s mistake. I’ll be honest, I can’t remember a whole load of this movie, but I do remember that Aidan just annoyed me, even looking at the character annoyed me.

8.

At number eight is Damien from The Omen, either Omen’s. I’m not sure which version annoys me the most, the older one looks more scary whereas the newer one looks a bit more pouty…I’ll go with the newer one annoys me the most. He is pouting more after all. So, Damien from the new Omen.

The Omen (2006 film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I think…

Damien, is the same, he pouts, and just doesn’t speak, but when he doesn’t speak and when he pouts, someone dies. Like the poor nanny.. In some ways, it’s not his fault, he is the Devil or the Devil’s child, but still, he should know that killing people by pouting at them is wrong… He doesn’t really say that much throughout the entire film, but, I’ll let the film off for that because he doesn’t need to (He’s the devil basically…), and he is creepy which is the whole point to the film. His face is annoying though, just the pouting face, the pouting lips, he just look like he didn’t get the right present for Christmas. I mean, maybe he didn’t, maybe that’s why he’s so pouty and out to kill people…  He just pouts and its bloody annoying. But he doesn’t talk and it does do what its suppose to, and is creepy which is why he’s only at eight.

Stop with the pouting!

7.

Number seven is….the little girl, Jess from The Happening. Know, I really like this movie, I’ve watched it many times and there are only two things I really dislike about it. One, is the ending, terrible twist, and two, is Jess. She is annoying, she pulls Elliot and his wife Alma down, she slows them down. It also makes it worse that she’s not even their child, or some child they saved, one of Elliot’s friends kind of handed her to them. Now, I know, if this was to really happen, taking on someone’s elses child, especially a close friend, is something nice to do and most would, but this is a movie… It’s a nice gesture, yes, but she’s an annoying kid, she doesn’t do anything and holds them back, slows them down. I know, as children, they aren’t suppose to do much in movies, as they’re so young, but I find most are too nosey for their own good and Jess isn’t any better. She doesn’t do as she’s told, a scary old lady takes them in and instead of just sit and eat, she tries to reach and get more food. She’s gets a bedroom and instead of waiting quietly, she investigates. Just stop being nosey and listen for once! You put them in danger and then don’t listen! Jeeeeez. Just be quiet and keep up until this movie’s over.

I’ll be honest, I couldn’t remember much about Jess, I can remember the old lady scaring me when she catches ‘it’ but I know that’s got nothing to do with this. I can remember writing a very ranty Facebook status (Yep, I do that…) about how she’s slowing them down and that… She just slows them down and just doesn’t listen and in a movie like this, you need to!

I liked you when I thought you Danno’s daughter in Hawaii 5-0…

So yeah, she’s basically thrown on them, not her fault, I’ll grant her that, but still, and she slows she downs. She slows them down and is too nosey for a child to be.

6. 

Number six is not just one child, it’s about three or four. The children from the film The Children.

I do love this film…

These kids are at my number six because they’re spoilt little kids whose parents are all posh and secretly hate each other and they all go and stay in this nice cottage for Christmas. Basically, I’m jealous of where they stay. But that’s it, I don’t want anything else, just the house. Anyway, I’m going off, I can’t just find them annoying because of the house. I’ve put this children at number six because they do annoy me a lot, but it’s not them in a way, it’s the illness they have, so in a way, they don’t have any say over what they’re actually doing.

Just go away! Please….

Saying all that though, about how it’s not their fault, I still wanted them all dead. And that’s saying something. The kids basically start as just loud annoying children, which is annoying normally, so basically from the start they annoyed me, but I didn’t want to kill them. Let me just get that straight, I’m not a wanting children dead type of person. At the beginning, they were loud and messy and spoilt, meaning I just wanted them to be quiet. Then, when the illness hit, they turned into these crying ill brats who wanted to hurt things, actually kill things. And that’s when the eldest daughter was about to stab one of them, I was yelling at the screen, shouting her to do it… They turn into these horrible just blank staring kids who when they see someone, they try to kill them and no one will stop them because they’re only children and no one knows they’re ‘ill’. These kids annoy me because they don’t say anything, they act bratty to get attention and then kill. They know exactly what they are doing, and just stare and manipulate everyone around them until there’s no one left. They annoy me so much I wanted to kill the evil kids, but it wasn’t them, they were only bratty kids at the beginning, which is why they are all only at six.

5. 

On to five. Now, I’m not sure how much this one counts being that it isn’t a movie but it is horror and he is an annoying kid… Okay, well I’ll go with this, the show is a lot scarier and better than a lot of horror movies I’ve seen. Number five is Carl from The Walking Dead. I liked Carl, before he became a cocky little thing who shoots just anyone and thinks he’s as good as his dad…

I adore this show, I’ve watched it all the way through and like most fans, I’m a Daryl lover, but as the series has gone on, I’ve started really disliking Carl most of the time. Even more than the Governor sometimes, and that’s saying something. I liked Carl at the beginning, which is saying something as, as you’ve probably guessed, I don’t like kids in horror movies, I liked him more than the other kids in the show, but I think the whole Spoiler  ‘I’m still alive and you two aren’t!’ to the other kids made him a cocky little brat. End of spoiler.

Just stop being so cocky and shooting people and wandering off to say a few!

Carl started off fine, he was a nice kid who, unlike a lot of kids, managed to keep up and keep everyone out of danger. As the shows gone on though, and people have been bumped off, and he’s survived, I think he feels he’s some type of invincible God or something. He doesn’t stay where he’s told, someone says’ stay here’, he goes ‘sure, oh, what’s that’s noise?’ and investigates. I’m pretty sure the first two or so series was just basically everyone trying to find him… He argues back, but not actually argues, an adult is trying to sneak out, Carl catches them and tries to black mail them. HE’S A KID. And that actually happened. He blackmails and thinks he’s better and bigger than most apart from his dad, but even Rick, he’s tried to blackmail at points, failing luckily. I wrote that last little bit smirking, I’ll admit…

The worst thing though with him, he shot someone, actually shot an innocent person, why? No one knows. He said it was because the person tried to fire at him first, but that was complete balls, and he knows that. He shot someone, just because he wanted to, maybe he felt threatened orrrrr something, but he shot him. I can’t stand him. He’s a cocky little kid who blackmails. Eurgh. And you were so much nicer at the start of the show…now you have a gun and hat…

4.

Rolling in at number four is Esther from Orphan. That girl, oh my god, that girl. I like this film a lot. Its so clever, but jeeeeeez, do I hate Esther. Basically, she is adopted by Kate and John, and the audience know she’s not right but obviously they don’t. For one, she’s dressed as if she’s just climb out of the TARDIS, (don’t get me wrong, I love people dressing differently, but in horror movies, it’s never a good sign..), she’s on her own ALL the time, and she’s just too nice, like too nice for a horror movie. When’s someones like this, stay away, in horror movies they never lead to happiness. And she doesn’t, funnily enough. Now, I’m not going to say the twist, at all, because it’s just so good and I know the temptations when someone says ‘spoiler alert’ and you have to look and then ruin it for yourself, well, I’m not going there, so don’t worry. Luckily, I can say everything without saying the twist… Yipeeeee.

So creeeeeepy.

Esther starts off ‘nice’, well nice to Kate and John, but not to their other kids. She is the devil to them, y’know, the normal trying to hurt them, setting one alight in a treehouse, pushing one off a slide, the normal. But obviously, when they tell John and Kate this, its nonsense. And it gets worse, she keeps trying to kill everyone, if she doesn’t get her own way, she flips. The bathroom scene is one of the most annoying scenes I have ever seen in my life, she turns full brat, kicking and screaming. She stays evily, see above photo, and even makes a move on John, which is just creepy. No one will listen and she just keeps getting away with things, manipulating people and making them believe she’s a saint. AND THEN THERE’S THE TWIST. Well if she didn’t annoy you, or you didn’t hate her by then, you definitely will then. My number four people.. Eurgh.

3.

Almost at the end now, I can see the end! Before we get ahead of ourselves, number three, which is Victoria and Lilly from the film Mama. The not that good film Mama, but that’s not what I’m supposed to be writing about.

Basically, Victoria and Lilly are rescued by their uncle and his girlfriend, then the uncle is put into a slight coma and the girlfriend, who wasn’t happy to have someone elses children in the first place, is left on her own to look after them. If they were easy children, this would be pretty much fine and dandy, but they’re not, they haven’t been looked after properly for years so are pretty much nightmares. Now I know, in some ways, it’s not their fault that they are this way, being that they didn’t leave themselves in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. But it’s a film, it’s not real, I don’t feel bad blaming them. So I will. They act like brats, Annabel isn’t ready for kids yet gets these two thrown into her care by Lucas (I think its Lucas anyway, but it might be Jeffrey, one’s the evil twin and ones the nice one…), and then he’s out cold so she has to take care of both girls, WITH the horrible mother in law always snooping around too.

Hmm.

Annabel tries her hardest to help them, she could just give them to that horrible mother in law who thinks Annabel is abusing them, but she doesn’t for Lucas…or Jeffrey. She’s a nice person and these kids don’t realise that, they make her life hell, they keep going back and doing everything against Annabel, especially the youngest who keeps going back to ‘Mama’. Victoria and Lilly, basically through the entire movie, just go against whatever they’re asked or told, especially the youngest who just pouts and eats bugs and just acts reckless, well as reckless as a kid can be… They just don’t want help, people try to help them and they throw it right back in their faces, or they just sit and pout. I had had enough and wanted the Mama to take them both at the end of the film…

2.

Nuuuuumber twooooooo. There was a very hard push between who would be two and who would be first. It was pretty much a photo finish. They both annoy me THAT much, but it came down to that one character is in a film I love and the other one is in a film I couldn’t actually finish it properly and wound through most of it. Number two is the one who’s in the film I love. Number two is Rachel from War of The Worlds.

I honestly adore this movie, adore it. Everything about it, apart from two things. The ending, stupid ‘Hollywood’ ending… and Rachel. And I’ve just thought about it, and this movie probably falls under Sci-Fi more than horror, but it scared me and she is more annoying than any of these kids on here, like I can’t stand the character, so she had to go on the list. Rachel is a character I can’t stand, literally can’t, just writing this she is annoying me. And I know I’m not the only one who thinks this, I’m pretty sure, if you speak to anyone or read a review about this film, she will be mentioned. And not in a good way… She just screams through the entire movie. I  mean, yes, if this did actually happen, people would scream, kids her age would scream, but this is a movie, it’s not real, I don’t want to hear someone screaming for an entire movie. And I’m not saying Steven Spielberg or Dakota Fanning were wrong, I’m not putting their acting or directing down, I’m just saying, the character annoys the hell out of me.

Just sssssssshhhhhhh….

She’s either crying or screaming or screaming for Robbie her brother or wanting to be carried and not left behind or being paranoid or crying or screaming… You see where this is going? The film is amazing, like I saw it in the cinema and I was blown away, I was terrified, I was shaking with fear through it, its a realistic film. But not her. Not her. She can do one. If she was older, the film would have been shut down by 100s of offended women who found the film offensive that she couldn’t do anything for her self or stay quiet for five minutes. She makes little girls look stupid, and they’re not. She would have been so much better if she’d screamed the normal amount, not the entire thing.

Just thinking of her, literally makes me annoyed…

1.

YAY! We’ve hit number one! Drum roll please…..number one is…..Sally from Don’t be Afraid of the Dark, the new version. Congratulations!

I had high hopes for this film, being the director, but that’s going off course, Sally, just annoyed me so much, I couldn’t deal with this film. I had to wind through most of it, because of her. I mean, okay, it was a pretty terrible film, but she was just one of those brats who wanted to please. One example, she goes and investigates, when she’s told not to may I add, and finds like a trapdoor. The gardener warns her not to mention it, but being the arselicker she is, she goes straight to daddy and grasses. Leading to all the trouble the family has in the house.

STOP!

She just can’t listen, she thinks she’s better than everyone and thinks that she doesn’t need to listen to anyone. After she’s warned not to do something, she does it anyway and then when it all goes tits up, of course, its not her fault. She makes my blood boil, I couldn’t even finish the film and haven’t tried to re-watch it because of her. Jeeeeeeez!

So there is my top ten. If I ever write a horror movie, I’m never having kids in it…

Repo! The Genetic Opera.

Doesn’t it look fun?!

Wow. Is all I can say. Wow. ‘A worldwide epidemic encourages a biotech company to launch an organ-financing program similar in nature to a standard car loan. The repossession clause is a killer, however.’ I cannot tell you how excited me and my horror movie best friend were about watching it. As soon as I saw the trailer at the beginning of another movie, I knew I had to see it. And I am so glad I did.

It starts off amazingly and sends you into this comic book world where it tells you the story using bright colours, comic book drawings and music Meat Loaf would be proud of. After this exciting opening, (me and my friend has the biggest grins on our faces, we were loving it!), the film starts like a normal film again, instead of all the comic book illustrations, which is all incredibly enjoyable. The film as a whole is….just strange, you sit there and wonder, what exactly am I watching and what the hell is going on, yet, you’re loving every single second of it.

Now, I do have to warn you, this is very over the top, not just like ‘you sit in a full bath and the water splashes out’ over the top. This is full on ‘bomb into a pool and the pool empties’ over the top. Repo! used to be a stage musical so it takes all that musical theatre over the top-ness, puts it into a film but keeps all the Jazz hands and adds at least two more Jazz hands. Make sense? It’s just over the top to the point where it’s really bad, like the acting is horrifically over the top a few times but it works and it fits where it would not fit in any other movie. It’s like a musical in your TV basically, they didn’t try to turn it into a proper film, this is literally a musical with moving scenery. I’m not a big musical fan, like the whole thing of people just breaking into song over literally anything makes my brain crack, but I loved this. It might have been the horror aspect of it and the fact that Anthony Stewart Head is amazing! He was my favourite character along with the Grave Robber, both keep the whole thing basically together and make it good. Without them, it would just be weird. Sorryyyy.

Where’s Buffy?!

So, so far I’ve mentioned the movie as a whole, but I have not yet mentioned the songs. The songs are….insane! They go from “Things You See In a Graveyard” to a song that was cut from the orignal movie, the charming “Can’t Get It Up If the Girl’s Breathing?”. These songs should win awards. I’m not even joking. They’re just so weird but so so charming in a way you find yourself watching the special sing-along versions on the DVD afterwards. One of the first songs starts off with the lyrics “I’m infected by your genetics”. If that doesn’t make you laugh/amazed/sing a long I don’t know what will. But that wasn’t even my favourite song, mine was definitely ‘Zydrate Anatomy’ which is basically a song sung mainly by the Grave Robber about the actual drug that numbs the pain of operations and so gets people even more hooked on operations and new organs. Brilliant.

 

I would definitely recommend this, but do not under any way, take this seriously. If you do, you will hate it. This is such an underrated film, it’s just so entertaining and original. And yes, Paris Hilton is in it, but she’s not that bad actually. She won’t ruin it for you, if that’s what you’re asking. Just see it, the familiar faces, the songs, the campness, you need this in your life.

                                                           Before you know it, you’ll be singing ‘LITTLE GLASS VIALL’……

Audition.

Audition is strange, that is the main thing I can say about it. It’s strange. Very strange. ‘A widower takes an offer to screen girls at a special audition, arranged for him by a friend to find him a new wife. The one he fancies is not who she appears to be after all.’

 

Yeah…she looks nice…

 

To some I’m sure it’ll be like a work of art and will be all artsy, but to me, it was just strange. It starts off as quite a nice film, in some ways, and then just goes down the weird road, the very weird little slip road off the weird road actually. It’s all filmed in what seems like a dream like sequence, either dream like or old, this made it kind of confusing as some is done in flashbacks and dreams. By the end of it, I pretty much had no idea what was real and what was a dream. It also had some plot holes, not overly big ones but noticeable ones. I feel I’m jumping ahead, I’ll go back a bit.

 

So it starts with a widow, who decides he getting lonely…speed dating, clubbing I hear you shout? No, hold auditions for women, because it’s such a normal thing to do. He, with some help from his friend a director, sets up an audition for a film where, basically, he’ll be the shoulder to cry on for the person who doesn’t get the part, the person crying is the person he decides he wants as a future wife. Jump ahead and he chooses Asami…the one who the entire audience is shouting “NO. DON’T DO IT! SHE’S NOT WHO YOU THINK SHE IS!”. Well I was, and did he listen? Nope, course not. No one knows anything about her, no past can be found on her, yet he falls for her. I will warn you, we are getting close to spoilers but as you know, I will should in bold letters when there is one.

Audition is set out as a perfect horror movie is set out, just longer. It’s happy with no problems literally up until right at the end, when it all goes tits up. The happiness in this film lasts a lot longer than most other films, nothing really goes wrong, there are hints at things going a little crazy and dreams that should be taken to see a therapist but apart from that it’s all hunky dory.

Now I know I said about spoilers, but I’m not going to say any, all I’m going to say is that the ending is messed up, it’s not for the faint hearted and is literally like a punch in the face after a drawn out bar fight. You knew it was all coming, but you didn’t know it would be that bad. If people have seen it. then you know what I’m on about. The end is…an ending.

Overall, Audition is an interesting film, I saw it because of how disturbing it was supposed to have been but I didn’t find it that bad, the ending is an ending but I won’t be watching it again anytime soon, I just found it kind of all over the place and that the ending was the only thing I really enjoyed.

Wolf Creek.

Now, as I’ve done two special reviews to start TheSlaughteredLamb off, my favourite and my least favourite horror movie, I thought I’ll do a normal one. This review is about the Australian movie Wolf Creek, ‘Stranded backpackers in remote Australia fall prey to a murderous bushman who offers to fix their car, then takes them captive. ‘. I had had this DVD for quite a long time before I had actually gotten round to watching it, and I had heard some reviews about how horrible it was. I had heard that it was so horrible that one of my closest friends, who is similar to me with her horrors, could not watch it all. I think after hearing horrendous reviews about just how nasty it was, I think that it wasn’t that I hadn’t got round to watching it, I think that it was that I was putting off watching it.

Well, as you can see, I did finally get round to watching it and I actually, worryingly, did not find it that bad. I mean, obviously, it’s a nasty film, just thinking about the whole thing is nasty, three people getting chased, tortured and then killed is horrible. The thing that made it even worse was that it was based on true events, that people went through actions similar to what are in this movie,  that is a very nasty thought, and one that makes the film a lot more pyschological. I also think this is why it wasn’t amazingly gory, well it wasn’t to me anyway. I think because it has the whole true events thing under it’s belt, and that someone may have actually gone through something as terrible as this, it didn’t have to show as much as other films.

Well the film has the same layout of events as many other movies, like All The Boys Love Mandy Lane or even The Descent, where it starts out nice and good and takes a turn for the worse. This film, like All The Boys Love Mandy Lane, starts off at a party but unlike All The Boys Love Mandy Lane, nothing happens for a while, the party ends well and the start of the trip goes very smooth for Liz, Kirsty and Ben. Until they hit Wolfe Creek, a giant hole in the Australian Outback where a meteor once hit. I wouldn’t say that this part was slow as it does manage to keep it entertaining, this is the part where you are getting to know the characters, and I think that this was a good choice. Getting the audience to know the characters is good in any film but especially in this as I think it makes you feel for them more, which you should as in the back of your mind you still have the idea that some of what happens are based on events. The movie soon gets rocky when they head back to their car and it won’t start, along comes Mick Taylor, a ‘nice’ man who helps them. Basically, he’s not nice.

Do not trust random people who give you drinks around a fire....

Sitting round the fire with Mick, he seems like a nice guy, until Ben mentions a famous quote from Crocodile Dundee “You call that a knife? This is a knife”, where Mick seems to change from the nice guy who was laughing with them to a guy who carries a knife and who you’ve just offended. The three hikers then find themselves becoming tired and fall asleep but wake up tied up and gagged. This is when you realise that they shouldn’t have drank that drink.

From here on in is where it gets nasty, Mick has them right where he wanted them and as one of them finds out later on, they are not the first people he has trapped. Now, I don’t want to say too much or give away the ending but I will say, although I didn’t find it that bad, there are parts that are very uncomfortable to watch. One of the group wakes up to find Mick teasing another with a gun as they are tied around a post and the worst part, I’d say and I’m sure a lot of people agree, ‘the head on a post’ scene, which I would say is the worst part of it. You don’t see any of the action, but you do hear it, boy you hear it and you feel it. You have grown with these people, you have had the time to get to know them and you are know having to sit and watch them being tortured.

I think Wolf Creek was done well, you didn’t need to see everything, it had already become pyschological before you’d even started it with it telling you that it was based on true events. Just that fact makes you put yourself in their position as it is now very realistic, it’s not like other horror movies where it couldn’t happen, Hellraiser could never happen, but this could and it has. This film is not for the fainthearted, the fainthearted in gore or in imagination. It stays with you and let’s just say, I never want to go back packing. Anywhere. Ever.